This made me smile:
Resume Bloopers
"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."
"Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
"Instrumental in ruining an entire Midwest chain operation." (Perhaps he meant running.)
"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job."
"Finished eighth in my class of ten."
"Experienced supervisor, defective with both rookies and seasoned professionals."
"Please call me after 5:30. I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."
"It's best for employers that I not work with people."
"I'm extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability."
"I Planned a new corporate facility at $3 million over budget."
Personal Interests: "Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."
"Education: College, August 1880-May 1984."
CV/Resume Bloopers
& 
Linear Mode
