Behaviour - i'm stumped ! need idea's !

[kimmy]

I'm stumped this is how i feel today - after 6 weeks of trying all the tricks of the trade for one child i have to admit possible defeat - i say possible as i dont like to give up !

The problem we have is that when he behaves in a manner that we dont accept - the N word - and we tell him that what he is doing is not nice he just smiles or laughs at us - he is 3 1/2 and i have tried everything, the things he does range from hitting , chasing children who do not want to be chased ,clearing the table of toys straight onto the floor, putting his fruit in other childrens drinks, when i asked him why did he do this he smiled and said i cant tell you - i asked him did he think it was nice to do that to someones drink and he said yes and smiled. We have discussed the fact this may be a nervous smile but we are not convinced !!

We have used stickers , special treats such as taking bumble bee home for a sleepover if he has a good day, sitting on the coutesy table at snack time if he does well for a short time , and sticker charts - we spend most of the day trying to focus on the positive but there is so little of that that we are stumped - this is now affectin 2 other children who are now showing signs of the same behaviour .....even though they see that we give little attention for negative behaviour.

We have spoken to mum and her answer is oh he must be having a bad day or is not well

I'm one that can usually deal with most behaviours in the end and turn the child round but this time i dont know what to do at the moment ....if anyone has any idea's we would really appreciate it as i see glimmers of a really sweet child here .

kim

[Heidi]

I can see that you are praising him when he earns it and I see that you say this does help his behaviour for a short time - so possibly his attention span is short also? - another issue?

Try not to ask him open ended questions as you know what sort of answers you are being given - he doesn't know why he's behaving that way etc and to be fair to him, he still is only three and why are some three year olds like the way they are - because they are three.

How about next time it is snack time - don't tell him or ask him if he is going to be good, but allow him to sit where he usually does where he knows expected behaviour is required - for manners and safety reasons - choking etc
If he puts fruit or food into another child's drink, rather than trying to reason to him, give him a choice " If you wish to sit next to Tim, you must eat and drink nicely; otherwise you will have to sit on your own" This is not a 'naughty chair' - it is a choice he has made. If he chooses to sit there and eats/drinks nicely, by all means praise him and remember to praise all the others for having good table manners. He will soon learn that the consequences of his choice (sitting on his own table) is not much fun.

The other thing that may help is trying to help him with his general behaviour, if you are able to assign a practitoner to either help him by playing alongside him if he is finding it hard to make a friend - perhaps play a board game or snap and include him.
if you feel that he is able to play happily with other children until he becomes frustrated and starts throwing things around or becoming disruptive, have an adult close by, so they can intervene before anything gets outs of hand. It could be that he hasn't quite got the hand to negoiate if things don't go his way, his concentration span is not what you would expect at his age - games and turn taking will help. It could be that he is now at the age where he wants a friend and needs some help - some children find this skill hard and behaviour can go from the introverted to the opposite. Write down what behaviour he is displaying and link it to the EYFS guidance - whatever level is he displaying look at the next steps and what needs to be provided.

Have a chat with your colleagues, put something down in writing so everyone knows how you are going to help him; be consistent and writing up a diary of his days.
Start the day off greeting all the children together, explain what behaviour you setting expects, also explain if another child does or says something unkind to them, they mustn't do or say it back otherwise the younger children won't learn. Tell them if they have a problem speak to an adult - of course, you must always listen, be fair and if you feel they are now telling you 101 things - remember you asked, so rather than dismissing them, say something such as 'Thank you, I'll keep my eye open'

If the adults continue to role model and the other children do, everything will be going in the right direction to help this child to display good beahviour. Remember all children want to please adults, some just find it harder ( and I know it is frustrating for adults having to deal with it at times). Try and give him lots of good attention before he demands it by displaying bad behaviour. I am sure (or hope for you) if you assign someone to play with him the moment he arrives, steering and guiding him, he won't have a minute to 'perform'; after two or three sessions, retreat for a while and build this time up until you have a happy boy with positive behaviour.

Whatever the reason, however he feels, it is manifesting itself in his behaviour, this is a signal to adults meaning 'Help' and he needs help. Remember that saying - a child likes attention and some will accept positive or bad- as long as they are getting it. try and start off with a cuddle and ask him what he'd like to do.

There are also some good second hand behaviour management books on Amazon and although we all know what to do -as you and your colleagues do - you become weary and it seems to go on for ever. Books with tips/lists/examples help to remind you. Ask your Area SEnco for help if your setting Senco is stumped.

Also whatever a parent says, we all have our own way of parenting and what may seem normal/acceptable to his mother may not be acceptable in a group setting. He may be left to his own devices at home where he runs over the furniture, goes in and out of the fridge and food cupboards and his mother does not seem concerned because she may be a single parent with no support, a working mother who is exhausted etc. Children like routines and boundaries, but those who don't have one need to learn one so they know what behaviour is acceptable and like anything else if they haven't got one, they have to learn as with anything else.

You may already know most of this, but even if only a tiny bit of this information helps, it helps the child - and hopefully you.

[kimmy]

Thank you Heidi

Although most of what you have written we have tried , and at the moment his keyworker is spending most of her day with him , I think your advice of sitting at the table with others or on his own is one we have not tried ....tomorrow seems a good place to start that idea.At least then we give him the choice to behave or not and he will know the consequences.

I agree with you when you say you become weary of the same behaviour day in day out and bless him he is there everyday , I have worked in my pre school for 20 years and there is a change in childrens behaviour over the last few years which means what used to work now does not always work - so i am always open to hearing others idea's ....

'Thank you, I'll keep my eye open' is something i seem to say daily as we have a tell me policy with the children in order to stop them hitting back or mirroring the behaviour ... one child comes to me every hour at least to let me know whats happening in the world around him .... but i smile and say thank you !

Thank you again Heidi , tomorrow is another day - hopefully we will see more of that lovely little boy i know is there somewhere !!

kim

[Heidi]

I hope the 'table choice' helps. We had a child who came from another setting - they could not cope with his squealing and asked the parents to remove their child (the child could talk) and so his parents were hoping we could help.
As he started squealing, funny enough it was at snack time as he had a captive audience. Far from saying he couldn't squeal as the other setting had, we said he could do so, but he would have to sit as far away from us all so it didn't hurt our ears. He chose to squeal so we carried his chair over, soon he wanted to come back, so back he came. The next day he chose the same and then remembered it wasn't much fun on his own and so far away. The third day, he went to squeal and promptly stopped so he could sit with all his new friends. It petered out within a week. He was a lovely child and we knew why he squealed but it's a long story.

Yes, our sector is changing, this is my third decade. I find (although it is not many, but too many in my eyes) children's lack of language is worrying, some of them watch wall to wall Cbeebies. I try and explain to those children's parents that there is no interaction, that the television doesn't hold a conversation or ask them questions or is even interested in them. they realise then, but it's a long hard slog for those children. Other professionals tell me it's quite common for children to be put to bed with a DVD.
As you say, it's a good job there are lots of us who truly want to work in the sector to help children whatever their needs.

Good luck - it'll soon be time for a well earned break at half-term!

[Ruthierhyme]

Hiya, I'm a little out of the loop for behavioural strategies but your reference

when i asked him why did he do this he smiled and said i cant tell you

could be linked to enclosure/envolping schema. It also reminds me a little of what children with authoritarian type parenting could evoke, in how the child, comfortable in their surroundings exercises their right to take back control -they may or maynot have the answer but the control is that it's their decision to decide if they can/will or can't/won't tell you. How 'I can't tell you' was spoken to you personally may answer this.

If you think authoritarian parenting is a possibility or is more the parental engagement that Heidi has suggested maybe look for what parenting activities/help groups are available locally that you can utillise. For the littlie maybe research the effects of this parenting style on children alongside definitions of fear & adult's expectations of others respect and look for activities you can plan for him to lead, develop and be in charge of, hopefully helping a reintegration with friends.

Support his leading activities that can't fail or for anyone to become disappointed in - den or tent building activity - gross motor to vent any frustration-the need to hit, focus concentration and outcome positively with a place of shelter that can be owned & played in.

Follow his lines of current interest with the chasing and initiate his participation and lead - if wanted in conga line dancing, grand old duke of york's marching, musical chairs, sit stand run command games, sit ups, bunny hops and extend maybe to cars and fitting lengths of guttering together for runway construction and vehicle release/racing.

Clear a table of toys - table cloth magic trick, sandcastle flattening and rake sweeping pushing and pulling - this can be linked culturally to feng shui landscaping if wanted, large paddled air hockey is also a good lead for table sweeping, move on with trampoline and swivel, wobble or balance board/disc resources. Stretch activities, resistance bands and activities that explore concepts associated with orientational schema?

Enclosing, enveloping, containing: Make playdough balls that have and can contain other objects inside. Ice cubes, boxes & lids, envelopes & letters/notes, presents, gifts. Use sieves with fabric circles that can be put inside to vary the flow of sand & water, cups, small blocks, foil - rolled up to hold other items and added to water play.

Pouring everyone’s' drink at snack time, cutting up snack foods?
There will be lead activities in these potentially less interesting situations that may appear to turn out detrimental to what you're trying to achieve, but in effect don't. They will provide you with oppportunities to plan for known behavioural response: as an example, giving out the responsibility of providing everyone with straws to drink through at snack time could challenge the behaviour and eventualise in seemingly inappropriate/unacceptable use and behaviour: ask yourself if it's possible to resist blowing remnant drink from a straw onto a table surface, a neighbouring companion or bubbles directly into the cup if you know it's frowned on, was a job given to you to be sensible about, gives you something a little more interesting or exciting to do in that moment, will make a mess, cause upset, questioning, make others laugh, chuckle, cry, smile, pay attention to you, look, listen, watch, gasp - in shock, admiration, surprise, concern, sadness and for it to cause others to try out the same activity for themselves, using the knowledge of who first provided the idea/sequence of actions for you to repeat it.

The choice between right and wrong and making a decision to follow through on one of them will slowly resolve when there's an understanding that there won't be negative reactions or reponses to attempts of boundary positioning and will happen even quicker if many of the activities that would provide an outlet for seemingly rebellious inappropriate behaviour are acceptable in your setting's play - dig in mud, throw up leaves, rub dirt on a permission giving face or use face paints, discuss others feelings and how everyone has the right to be asked before doing something or having something done to them.

A yes and no, where you would and where you wouldn't activity:
Help explore social expectations - Toilet roll paper: provide a large empty area of the setting, add a dozen or more new toilet rolls and invite free play ..
Ideas: streamers, nests, lassos, weaving, throwing, catching, rolling, ripping, tearing, unravelling, winding up, mummifying, wrapping, unwrapping, folding, shredding, parting layers, involvement in risk, building walls, turrets, towers - a down side for this activity would be the cost of paper. Discuss where you would and where you wouldn't play with toilet paper what its use is and where it's kept.
Extend by having soft toys available, short sticks, poles or dowelling that can have the paper tied on.

It's all a personal perspective I hope it helps a little xx

[kimmy]

Thank you for some great idea's,

Today has been a little better as we have focused on what he likes to do for the whole afternoon and his key worker has supported him in the situations that have arisen , he finds it very hard to play with other children and this has shown itself even more today - he feels that everything is his not matter what - so encouraging him to share the things he was playing with has been an important part of his day.

We have reminded the children as a whole group that we do not run indoors and that the doors are open and they can go and run outside - although most of the children do know this and are fine with it , our little man had to be reminded many times and then taken outside for some chasing round the garden - but its only day one !

We offered him the choice today of handing out the fruit at snacktime and he did well for a couple of minutes , but then started throwing the fruit onto the table , we then told him that we needed sensible children to do the job and asked him to sit down so that someone else could carry on. This did seem to have an effect as he was very quiet but his keyworker had explained beforehand what would happen, his behaviour at the table was not brilliant after that but thats ok - at least his raisons didnt go into anyones drink !!
Bless him though he sat on the mat with another child who was poking his arm , and lo and behold looked at me and said i'll move shall i !! a sticker was rushed over to the mat quicker than i have ever seen my staff move ....!

Funny though that today the other 2 children have gone back to their usual play and have not been copying at all - maybe they see that its not a good idea !!

[ray]

hiya,

We have just had a positive behaviour course run at my setting. We talked about some of the things that can cause " negative behaviour"
Some suggestions are:
What is the child trying to communicate by his behaviour?
Are we responding to our own personal feelings to it? e.g thinking " I,ve tried so hard with him and he still isnt listening"
What has this behaviour achieved for the child in the past?
Are we expecting this negative behaviour and therefore he is living up to our expectations?
Your comment about him saying " I cant tell you"? Are there other things in his life that he "cant tell you?" That statement is actually quiet worrying.
Some points have already been pointed out to you. e.g giving choices...... If you want to sit quietly with us for snack we,d like to have you hear... or you can choose to sit somewhere else because we like indoor/quiet voices at the table"
Hope some of these pointers help a little bit

[kimmy]

Thanks Ray

A little more delving and mum decided to tell us that she and hubby had split - none of which we were told 6 weeks ago when we did initial starters interview ! this explains some of his behaviour,and apparently his older brother is encouraging him to behave in this way so poor mum has her hands full.
We had some success last week and are hoping that this continues when we go back, things are clearly very difficult for the family at the moment and we now aim to make sure that we can show him the better way to behave.
Onwards and upwards i say .....:-)